This memorial website was created in loving memory of our precious little girl ... Janaki June White born a sleeping angel at 8.56am, Sunday 29 July 2007 at 21 weeks. She was due on Sunday, 9 December 2007.

When Janaki was born, she had her mommy's skin and her daddy's blue eyes. She was a beautiful baby and the right size for her age. She would have been a stunning young lady and she makes us proud every day even though her life was tragically cut short. 

She was delivered by Dr Bob Watson (our obstetrician and a kind, gentle guy) at North West Private Hospital, Everton Park, Queensland. Her postmortem results revealed that there was no real reason for her to die and the question 'WHY' remains unanswered.

And so we have created this webpage to honor our sweet baby girl who died from IUFD (in-utero demise) and to share and provide support for other bereaved parents. We love and miss Janaki very, very, very much (every painful second of our existence) and will love her forever. 

While you are visiting ... please light a candle for Janaki. This website is intended to be online 'forever' so please stop by once in a while to see if it is updated. 

Here are a few poems and words that we associate with Janaki, some of it is written/modifed by us but where mentioned, belongs to the original owner.

About Janaki's parents

Shalini is a commercial and rural property paralegal at Brisbane's largest law firm and studying law at QUT, Brisbane. Michael is assistant parts manager at a large car dealership in Caloundra.

Love is....a baby girl

Janaki's poem

Janaki June, perfect in every way
Mummy’s firstborn angel,
Our daughter of the earth
We borrowed you from time
So impatient to meet you but never wished for this
A perfect little being with two beautiful arms
Born sleeping, won’t ever feel any pain
Daddy’s eyes that won’t ever cry
Two tiny little hands that won’t ever grip
Two tiny little legs that won’t ever run
A silent little mouth that won’t ever throw a tantrum
If we could have only one wish
We'd pray with all our hearts
For an eternity with you
A million pleading words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried
And neither would a river of tears
We know because we’ve cried
You left behind two broken hearts
With happy memories too
but we never wanted memories
We only wanted you
Time wanted you back so we had to let you go
Stay safe, our precious Janaki
We’ll hold you safe inside our hearts
Until we can hold you in our arms one day 

The Mask

I feel as if I am buried alive
Yet I smile, and respond
"Fine, thank you."
I have been appropriately conditioned
No one wants to hear the painful t r u t h.
An essential part of me, my limb
A constituent of my earthly being
Has been violently amputated.
Yet I laugh at the mediocre conversations
A verbal splash in a shallow puddle
Pretending to be a player of the words
That have no m e a n i n g.
My heart has been ripped from my bosom
No benevolence granted
No explanation -No apologies
Only cataclysmic p a i n
Only agony
No anesthesia remains, just the bitter pain.
Yet I wear the m a s k
Day to Day.
Pretending I fit in
But really I'm a foreigner here
They speak an alien language
I attempt to translate the words
Still, they mean nothing to me.
Sequestered in the mask
They hear not the music I dance to
Nor the words I speak
Nor the pain I echo
Nor the native language of my e y e s
They will never really know me,
It's only a mask.

Dear Cheyenne © 1996 revised 1998 by Joanne Cacciatore

Poem for Dad on Father's day 2007

To my daddy

Happy Father’s day!! I love and miss you very much.

from Janaki
(I got the presents with a little help from mum)

A gift for you on Fathers Day,
What on earth could it be?
I know the gift you really want,
Is to once again, have me.
Or perhaps the gift of understanding,
To make sense of a senseless loss.
I'm sorry, my dearest Daddy,
But for those gifts, you must talk to the boss.
The gifts that I can give today,
Are memories, both sad and sweet.
From the touch of your hand on Mummy's tummy,
To my tiny little hands and feet.
Remember the joy you felt inside,
When you found out you would be my Daddy?
The great big smiles upon your face,
You were over the moon, you were so happy.
Remember when Mummy felt me move,
The wonder and love you'd feel?
Remember it today Daddy,
It just might help you heal.
Remember the little cuddles we had,
And the moments that we shared.
Remember my little nose,
And the colour of my eyes,
I love you dearest Daddy, you know that this is true.
Just keep your memories of me alive,
And I will always live in you. 

Poem that reminds me of Janaki (ee cummings, one of my favorite poets)

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-ee cummings

A pair of shoes (unknown)

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not
theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child. 

Just once (unknown)

Just once I wish I could have spent a late hour rocking you in my arms. Just once I wish I could have gently lain you in your crib.
I wish I could have changed a diaper, chosen an outfit for the day,
given you a bath, soothed your skin with lotion...
Just once I wish I could have heard you cry out
in loneliness for me, spent time alone with you.
Just the two of us, strolled you proudly through the shopping mall.
Just once I wish I could have heard the words:
"What a beautiful, healthy baby girl!"
Just Once. 

Into the west (Annie Lennox)

Lay down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
You have come to journey's end
Sleep now
And dream of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across a distant shore
Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away

Safe in my arms
You're only sleeping

What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home
And all will turn
To silver-glass
A light on the water
All souls pass

Hope fades
Until the world of night
Through shadows' falling
Out of memory and time
Don't say
We have come now to the end
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again

And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping

What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home
And all will turn
To silver-glass
A light on the water
Grey ships pass
Into the West

A Mother's Grief
By Kelly Cummings

You ask me how I'm feeling,
but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling you
You say you have to go.

How can I tell you,
what it's been like for me
I am haunted, I am broken
By things that you don't see.

You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The second I try to speak my heart,
You start squirming in your chair.

Because I am so lonely,
you see, no one comes around,
I'll take the words I want to say
And quietly choke them down.

Everyone avoids me now,
Because they don't know what to say.
They tell me I'll be there for you,
then turn and walk away.

Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call you and scream
into the phone,
My God, my child is dead?

No one will let me
say the words that I need to say
Why does a mother's grief
scare everyone away?

I am tired of pretending
as my heart pounds in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable,
but my soul finds no rest.

How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of holding a child
who in your arms grows cold?

Maybe you can tell me,
How should one behave,
when I had to watch my child go,
And she I could not save?

You cannot imagine
what it was like for me that day
to place a final kiss on her head,
Then have to turn and walk away.

If you really love me,
and I believe you do,
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.

Sit down beside me,
reach out and take my hand,
Say "My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."

Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's alright if you do too.

Bereaved Parents Wish List

1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

9. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that she is dead.

10. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

11. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

13. When I say "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

15. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

17. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her, a huge chunk of our future. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

18. I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I hope daily that you will never understand.

GROUPS

Providing mutual support to parents who have suffered a pregnancy or infant death is VERY important to me. My online groups are the most effective therapy I have come across so far. I have some goals in mind to help families in the future in ways that was not offered to me at the time Janaki died in 2007.

I am a member of the MISS Foundation, GRACE Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group, SAD (Sudden Antenatal Death) Mom and Dads Group (Myspace), Stillbirth and Infant Loss support group (myspace, very quiet grp) and Support Group for Parents grieving a stillbirth or neonatal death (myspace, very quiet grp).

OUR ANGEL

Janaki is one of so many beautiful 'missing angels' on this tribute to our missing angels (go to file, click 'find' and type in 'Janaki')
http://www.missingangel.org/main-angel.htm

You can also donate to the lovely director of the associated National Stillbirth Society http://www.stillnomore.org/ as we did and receive a missing angel pin to wear. 

Our main picture of Janaki that we are able to share was created by a true blue Aussie angel, of http://www.studio212.com.au/.

Janaki's name is also entered in the Book of Life in the Roman Catholic Church of the Holy Innocents in New York. We are not religious but they have a candle forever burning for all the children taken from parents in the Book of Life and hold a special mass.

HELPFUL WEBSITES 

MISS Foundation - I HIGHLY recommend their support group forum http://www.missfoundation.org/

SANDS (Queensland) http://www.sandsqld.com/ 

SANDS (Australia) http://www.sands.org.au/

Stillbirth Foundation Australia http://www.stillbirthfoundation.org.au/ 

National Stillbirth Society http://www.stillnomore.org/

Missing Grace http://www.missinggrace.com/ 

Protect your pregnancy http://www.protectyourpregnancy.com/ 

The pregnancy institute http://www.preginst.com/